The hard truth: Leadership starts with looking in the mirror

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” Rumi.

I coach and mentor for several organisations, including the abm (Association of Business Mentors), and lately I’ve noticed a sharp rise in conversations about managing up.

Too often, when someone’s promoted to a leadership role, especially managing people for the first time, it’s assumed that being good at their job means they can also lead, motivate, and manage others - this simply isn’t true! In fact, it often leaves teams having to manage their leader’s expectations and even their emotions - 'What mood are they in today!'

Masking poor leadership

When employees are very good at managing up, it can sometimes hide the fact that the leader isn’t doing their own job well - which can perpetuate poor leadership and harm the wider team.

Perhaps one reason these conversations come up so often is because many leaders simply aren’t equipped to lead effectively. Being technically excellent in your field doesn’t automatically make you a great leader.

When I joined British Airways as cabin crew in the 90s, Pursers (the heads of the cabin) were promoted purely based on years of service not on their leadership ability. Some were excellent, but many were so unmotivated they should never have been in charge. Their poor leadership often crushed the morale of new crew, who were often criticized for being “too keen.”

Looking back over my career, I’ve asked myself: Who really inspired me? The answer isn’t those with the most knowledge or expertise - it’s the leaders who made the team feel valued, supported, and psychologically safe.

Fear and Leadership

When I studied Positive Intelligence (PQ) with Shirzad Chamine, a Stanford lecturer and executive coach, he shared that he’d asked 100 top CEOs and presidents to anonymously reveal one secret about how they really feel inside. The most common emotion they admitted. Fear - fear of being exposed, and fear of being a fraud.

Fear often triggers a fight-or-flight response, and when "fight" takes over, it can manifest as aggression. In leadership, this is especially dangerous - leaders who operate from fear may micromanage, lash out, or create toxic work environments rather than fostering trust and collaboration.

A self-aware leader recognizes their fear and manages it constructively. Instead of reacting with aggression, they pause, reflect, and will respond with courage and clarity.

Leadership Requires New Tools

So, new leaders need new tools. Self-awareness and emotional intelligence are two very powerful ones. How do you grow these? Like muscles, they need regular training, just as you wouldn’t expect to run a marathon without practice, it’s the same with mental fitness. Leaders need coaches or mentors to build resilience, emotional intelligence, and grow self-awareness.

As Neil Pretty, CEO of Aristotle Performance, explains when discussing Googles Aristotle Project: self-awareness and psychological safety are essential leadership skills - not just buzzwords.

If your business is struggling with retention, invest in leadership development. Great leaders aren’t born - they’re built.

“We desperately need more leaders who are committed to courageous,

wholehearted leadership and who are self-aware enough to lead from their hearts, rather than

unevolved leaders who lead from hurt and fear.”

Brene Brown

With over 35 years in leadership roles, I run a tailored mentoring and coaching programme designed specifically for new and emerging leaders. Whether you’re stepping into your first leadership role or looking to build confidence and skills, I can help you navigate the challenges and grow into the leader you want to be - and the leader your organisation needs.

Get in touch to find out more: emma@redwoodellis.co.uk